


In Pain (or Maybe Not)

by Flora (florahart)



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Even JARVIS obeys Coulson (really), Even Tony obeys Coulson (sorta), M/M, Masturbation, Tony is a matchmaker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-08
Updated: 2012-09-08
Packaged: 2017-11-13 19:32:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/506959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/florahart/pseuds/Flora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony finds out Clint and Coulson have the hots for each other and neither of them is acting on it.  Obviously, this has to be fixed.  Especially once Steve finds out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Pain (or Maybe Not)

**Author's Note:**

> This was initially posted [at the kinkmeme](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/9218.html?thread=21311490), and has since been added to a bit.

1\. It's an accident the first time. Honestly.

Look, even Tony would tell you he is a total perv, but spying on a man jerking off just for the hell of it is kind of tacky. And the internet is full of good porn, if you're looking for a good comeshot. So, it's an accident.

He has half a dozen specific, involved nightmares. Four of them feature Coulson dying, because apparently the brutal murder of a scary-efficient badass in a tailored suit gave his psyche all sorts of fucked up thoughts about what if, and Pepper, and just, no.

JARVIS is aware that--decreasingly now, after all this time, but still, sometimes--when Tony bolts upright in bed hollering about Phil, it's a nightmare.

JARVIS is also under direct orders to notify Tony if any his guest-colleague-friends are exhibiting signs of distress.

So, JARVIS draws a bad conclusion, and notifies Tony at half past one that Agent Barton is evidently unwell.

And Tony, naturally, pulls up the feed. This is what host-colleague-friends do, right? Take care of the team, use all that genius for good, that sort of thing?

"JARVIS, what seems to be the problem?" Tony asks. The image is dim, because it's one thirty in the morning, but he's working on resolution with one hand while he brings up the lights just an ooch with the other.

"Agent Barton has been muttering Agent Coulson's name for several minutes, sir."

Of course, this is about the point at which Tony achieves resolution and also the point at which Barton realizes the lights are coming up, and his hand stops stroking under the sheet as he scowls and speaks aloud to lower the lights again, wondering how they came up. 

And Tony, of course, overrides JARVIS to slowly re-dim the light (Barton will think it was his imagination, yep) and discontinues watching the feed.

(first part true, second part eventually so).

"JARVIS, amend the standing orders. If Barton is jerking off over Coulson, that's not an emergency. Record and notify, sure, because I do like knowing what's what, but I don't need to see it in real time."

"Of course, sir."

 

2\. And nothing changes. Barton passes Coulson in the hall, and there's still all this wary caution about Coulson in general because yes, okay, Tony knows a thing or two about the potential for a man to survive a massive trauma to the heart (hello? Arc reactor) and how screwed up things can get, and people are fucking complicated and messy, but Barton doesn't give away a damn thing.

Of course he doesn't; _spy_.

Tony can't decide whether to be jealous or impressed. He settles for both, but doesn't tell anyone because, duh, he's got plenty that lots of people are jealous _of_ and it doesn't do to be ridiculous.

 

3\. And then there's the second time. Which is _also_ , swear to god, an _accident_. It's also JARVIS's fault again, although this time he's closer to right.

"Sir, Agent Coulson appears to be suffering some discomfort," JARVIS tells him. He's not asleep yet, because it's early, but most of the house is quiet. 

"Does he need emergency service?"

"Perhaps. My sensors are showing pain responses and increased pulmonary and perspiration activity."

"Yeah, k, I'll go check." Tony comes up from the lab at a good jog, not _running_ exactly, but still, losing Coulson once was really enough, and again, he's had something like a heart attack post-trauma, and they're not even a little bit funny.

"Hey, Coulson? JARVIS said--uh." Tony freezes in the doorway, blinking.

Yeah, okay, he and JARVIS need to have a _talk_ , because what the shit, obviously an AI built and housed by Tony Stark has seen orgasms before. 

"Stark, why are you in my quarters?" Coulson's a little pale, sure, sweaty, shirt open, come pooling on his belly. 

"JARVIS said you were in pain. You okay?"

"Fine."

"You sure?"

Coulson gives Tony a _look_ and glances down, waving at his stomach. "Pretty sure."

Tony nods, does not at _all_ observe the presence of a Details Magazine next to Coulson on the sofa, and pulls the door closed.

"You tell him, I kill you with a carrot peeler," Coulson says through the door.

"No idea what you're talking about," Tony says back.

"I'm not an idiot and neither are you. This is my issue, and you will stay out of it until and unless I say otherwise, which I will not. Clear?"

"Very clear. Sir."

Tony walks slowly back down to the lab, pondering 1. when he started actually obeying orders or at least considering it, and 2. how Barton and Coulson could possibly be, according to the available evidence, worse at relationships than he is. And 3. whether the word issue was a pun and if so whether Coulson has always had a sense of humor.

 

4\. Still nothing changes. Barton is solicitous, a little bit (but mostly, he's a smartass). Coulson is efficient, and if he eyes occasionally linger a little, it's clear no one but Tony has noticed. Neither of them is making any move toward the other. Like, not even while smartassing or efficiently lingering.

What the fuck.

Tony watches them both and periodically checks JARVIS's files, waiting for something to change.

It doesn't. The data demonstrate regular and increasing instances of exactly what he's already seen, with only small variations like positions and toys, which... okay, for one thing, both of them are surprisingly hot, and Barton's arms, hey, Tony really sees the appeal. For another, they're both apparently completely incompetent at doing anything about any of it. It's flabbergasting.

And then Steve shows up at his shoulder. "Tony. Are you seriously watching--what. the. hell. Did you watch _me_?"

"Uh, all the time, if you haven't noticed."

"When we were, I mean before we were together. Or when I didn't know it?"

"Nope. It was an accident at first, swear, but I just can't stop checking on them. They're total idiots, right?"

"Because they both masturbate? Which you should definitely not be watching. Turn it off. But I'm given to understand masturbation is normal, healthy, and all-American."

Tony reaches for a panel, but instead of shutting anything down, he turns up the sound on Clint and zooms in on Phil's pile of reports. Then he looks over his shoulder. "You were saying?"

Steve scowls at him--an honest to god scowl, which should be kind of frightening on a guy that can absolutely throw him across the room, but Tony doesn't feel threatened so much as defiant. And maybe a little turned on, because 1. video and 2. Steve in proximity. "How long have you been watching them?" he asks after a moment.

"Three minutes?"

"No, I mean--how long has this been going on?"

Tony shrugs. "Couple of months. Why?"

"And you haven't helped them figure it out?"

"Coulson said he'd kill me with a carrot peeler."

Steve rolls his eyes. "And that stopped you. Really."

"Okay, so it's a little out of character. Shut up."

"Fix it."

"Fix it? Are you telling me to _interfere_?" Tony puts a hand over the circle in his chest. "Steve Rogers, are you seriously asking me to meddle in the sex lives of a teammate and an agent? God, you are making so much _progress_."

"Yeah, you hate it when I do that. And yes, you have to help them pull their heads out, because if this has been going on--this is just silly." Steve smirks. "I imagine I can think of a reward."

"And more with the progress. I think, yeah, okay." Tony swallows and nods. "JARVIS, can you let me know the next time Coulson's beating off over pictures of Clint?"

"Agent Coulson has suggested he will alter my parameters such that I will be unable to monitor toast, should I do any such thing, sir."

"Which explains why you tell me the next morning half the time. Huh. He tell you not to tell Clint?"

"He did not explicitly say not to notify Agent Barton as to, if you will, a medical situation."

"Cool. Next time you catch him, you tell Clint--and Clint alone--that Coulson's in pain and needs him." Tony looks at Steve. "Satisfied?"

Steve purses his lips. "JARVIS, at the same time, unlock Coulson's door for Clint as you would for Tony, please."

"Agent Coulson has replaced my locking protocol for his quarters since Mr. Stark's unexpected appearance. However, if I might?"

"Shoot," Tony says.

"Perhaps I could direct Agent Barton to an alternative point of entry."

"Window seems like a lousy idea. Vent?"

"No special anti-intrusion measures have been instituted there, and my records indicate Agent Barton has more than passing familiarity."

"Annnd we have a plan." Tony switches off the display and stands, turning to Steve. "Do I collect now?"

 

5\. "Sir?"

Tony wakes with his head pillowed on Steve's chest. "JARVIS?"

"Perhaps you would be interested to review the video recording in the file you left running last night?"

Tony blinks. "Left--oh." He rolls away, waking Steve, and goes back to the bank of monitors, bringing up an image of Barton on Coulson's couch, his legs spread wide as Coulson kneels between them. "Jesus. JARVIS, is this live?"

"It is, sir. I took the liberty of notifying you immediately when the situation evolved."

"Still shouldn't watch," Steve says. Tony glances over his shoulder to see Steve's half hard and getting harder as he watches the monitors as well.

"Yeah, obviously," he says. He swivels out of the chair and onto his knees before Steve, nuzzling his nose into Steve's groin. "Turn if off if you want."

Steve reaches, pauses, and whistles, low, and Tony looks back at Coulson, crawling up into Barton's lap and positioning himself carefully to slide down on Barton's wet, hard cock. He mutters something involved and inaudible as Barton laughs, and then the image goes black.

"JARVIS?"

"My apologies, sir. He said, and I quote, "Tell Stark I am still not an idiot, and while I retract death by vegetable peeler, that's all the free shows he gets," and threatened my core for continued recording."

Tony grins. "Nice. Good thing I have plenty of material for later playback, right?" He goes back to nuzzling Steve and ignores the black monitors behind him.

"Which you're going to erase, right?" Steve asks, glaring down at him.

"Eventually."


End file.
